My First Bestseller

Today I am feeling pretty good for being in month No. 8. I got some prescription meds last week that completely took away my heartburn and I am elated! But feeling good today has somehow turned my mind back to all the months gone past that were not so great. Very, very, baaaaaaaad, in fact. How did I manage to make it through all those weeks?! I guess it's because I know that at the end of these grueling ten months, we'll get to hold a [hopefully] healthy, beautiful baby in our arms.

So there's a book called "What to Expect When You're Expecting" that I have read each month of my pregnancy as its chapters are organized. It is very informative and seems to cover every aspect and situation for the mom-to-be. But I thought I might give you my own, condensed, less structured and less scholarly version... I'll call it, "Pregnancy: It's Good, It's Bad... But Let's Not Kid Ourselves - It's Mostly Bad."

Chapter 1 - The First Month
Congrats, you're pregnant. Stop eating what you like because you actually don't like it anymore. Go ahead and get out the oversized warm-up pants and big t-shirts. Let's face it, you may not be "showing" because your baby is only the size of a pencil tip, but you are bloated and you do look like crap. Again, congratulations.

Chapter 2 - Months Two and Three (and probably Four thru Six)
Good morning. Wait! Don't get up, silly girl. Eat some crackers first or you're going to hurl. Didn't help? Yeah, it doesn't. Nothing does really. You're going to feel queasy all day long and you're probably gonna get sick every three hours, too. How long does it go on? An eternity. Stay out of the car. Not fun. Best just to stay close to the bathroom. You're going to be either going No. 1 or getting sick like it's your job.

Chapter 3 - Months Four, Five and Six
Still nauseous? Thought so. Good luck with that. Don't you miss sleeping on your stomach?! Try not to drop anything because it's going to hurt to bend over. Feel like you're losing your mind? You are. Oh, and those stabbing pains? Those are your insides stretching apart. Fun times.

Chapter 4 - Months Seven and Eight
Nausea finally subsided? Shoo! Thank goodness. Oh wait, here comes the fire in your esophagus. Hey, don't lay down whatever you do. Might as well fall asleep in a chair. I know you're sweating buckets, you can't breathe and the baby is stomping on your bladder. Everyone else [including your darling husband who got you into this in the first place] is feeling fine and having a grand ol' time, so suck it up! Careful sneezing or laughing now, that bladder of yours is pretty compressed! We don't want any embarrassing accidents! But hey, woohoo! You're in your third trimester, right? Don't get too excited, three more months is a loooooong time. Will this EVER end?

Chapter 5 - Months Nine and Beyond
Can you still see your feet? Can you roll out of bed without wincing in pain? Can you walk up a flight of stairs or stand in the heat without passing out? If so, good for you. If not, hang in there. Just a few more weeks of torture!

THE END.


Now, isn't that motivating? And I didn't even mention stretch marks, constipation, back pain, dizziness, emotional breakdowns, fatigue and oh my goodness, labor itself! OK, I must apologize that it's all negative. I know my title had something about "The Good" in there somewhere. Here's The Good:


1. You are creating a life. I know, it's a long, hard process, but how amazing!
2. An excuse to be fat.
3. People always seem to be a bit nicer to you.
4. The baby can't possible stay in there forever.

OK, now THE END.

(NOTE: This was only meant for comic relief for those who can sympathize, or those who will want to keep the birth control handy, ha, ha. I know that lots of people who can't have any children would long to have all these symptoms and pains. And I really feel very, very blessed to be expecting our little Abby Kate. I know it will all be worth it. Right????)